Recently, Amy Winfield sat down with AB, the main character from her book, THE BIRTH OF AGENT BIG BUTT: BUTT OF STEEL, HEART OF GOLD. The interview took place in a park while AB sat at the top of a slide.
Amy Winfield: Hi, AB. How are you?
AB: This slide is a little narrow. Other than that, I’m fine, ma’am.
AW: Before we begin, I just want to say that you’re the most educated and well-mannered baby I know.
AB: Thank you.
AW: You’re welcome. And thank you for letting me share your story with the world.
AB: You’re welcome.
AW: I know you get this question a lot, but I have to ask: how are you able to speak and reason so well as a baby?
AB: Babies are great listeners. The whole time we’re in the womb, we can hear what’s going on outside. Many babies don’t key in on the conversations they hear, but the smart ones… well, they take note of everything they hear.
AW: Would you say you’re one of the smart ones?
AB: I try to be.
AW: From reading your story, you truly are one of the smart ones.
AB: Thank you.
AW: Where do you live?
AB: In your mind, remember?
AW: Yes, but I mean outside of my mind.
AB: I live with my mom and dad in Grand Prairie, Texas, where I met my best friend Alex, who lives a few blocks from my street.
AW: Why is Alex your best friend?
AB: Without Alex, I’m just another baby. But Alex makes me a better baby.
AW: How is that?
AB: Alex helps me appreciate my special powers and never makes fun of my huge assets. Well… sometimes, but it’s always out of love.
AW: Is Alex your only friend?
AB: No, I have my mom, dad, my grandparents, and Theodore.
AW: I mean other babies. Do you have other babies as friends?
AB: Yes and no.
AW: I don’t understand.
AB: I’m cool with a lot of babies, but babies won’t let grown-ups know they can walk and talk. As a walking and talking baby, I’m uncovering a big secret babies want to keep under wraps. Therefore, some babies have dubbed me public enemy number one.
AW: Does that bother you?
AB: No, not really. I know one day babies will come to their senses and bravely show their parents and the world that babies can do some amazing things.
AW: Like walking and talking.
AB: Yes, but much more.
AW: Like what?
AB: You have to come closer – I have to whisper this…
AW: Oh my, that’s amazing!
AB: Yes, it is.
AW: Why don’t babies speak up and let their parents and the world know about their special gifts?
AB: Because being babied is hard to give up. I mean, you get to have someone feed you, clean up your poop, carry you all day, buy you nice toys, and most of all, getting all those loving kisses. I tell you, Mrs. Winfield, it’s very difficult for a baby to give up all that love and attention, so they just keep quiet and soak up all those goodies.
AW: I see your point. Let’s move on to your powers. Exactly what powers do you have?
AB: Well, I’m a great listener. I can read and write, and I like people.
AW: Those are definitely some great powers. But I mean your superpowers.
AB: Oh, right. Well, I have a very big butt that’s hard as steel. And I have the most deadly, powerful farts in the entire universe. And recently, I discovered I’m really strong too.
AW: How did you get your powers?
AB: From the red dirt my mom ate before I was born.
AW: What on earth was in that red dirt?
AB: No one knows, but I believe what was in that dirt didn’t come from earth.
AW: Where do you think it came from?
AB: Outer space.
AW: Outer space?
AB: Yes, ma’am.
AW: Why do you believe that?
AB: Because it glows.
AW: Your mom ate glowing red dirt?
AB: No, she never mentioned the dirt glowed before she ate it.
AW: So what do you mean it glows?
AB: When I poop, it smells awful and it glows a bright green.
AW: Green, not red?
AB: No red, just a bright green.
AW: Glowing, bright green smelly poop. Now I’ve heard it all. You mentioned you have the strongest, deadliest farts in the universe, correct?
AB: Yes, ma’am.
AW: Tell me about that.
AB: Well, once I leveled a building with one big fart I call the TECTONIC FART BLAST.
AW: A building?
AB: Yes, ma’am. And one time I let out a fart that smelled so bad, it made birds fall out of the sky. They didn’t die – the gas just made them dizzy.
AW: Wow! That’s some pretty strong gas.
AB: One fart I let out burned all the clothes off some kids that were bullying some of my friends. That one was the GHOST PEPPER FART.
AW: That’s embarrassing. Tell me about your friends.
AB: I’m sorry, Mrs. Winfield, I have to go…I have to go bad. But you can find out more about me and my friends when you read my story. Wait, you already know my story.
AW: Yes, I do and I hope everyone reading this interview will also read your story. Thank you for your time, AB.
AB: You’re welcome.
AW: One last question. The kids reading this interview will want to know why everyone calls you AB. What’s your real name?
AB: The best way for them to find out, so we can become friends, is to read “The Birth of Agent Big Butt: Butt of Steel, Heart of Gold.” The book is meant for ages 9 and up, but as we know, babies can read too, so I guess 0 and up. Everyone can read the story.
AW: Sounds good. Take care, AB.
AB: Um, Mrs. Winfield? Can you help me please? I seem to be a little stuck.
